Much More Journey To Go
by HopeAndWaffles
Summary: Remus's drunk confession threatens to shatter his friendship with Sirius, and Sirius makes a confession of his own.


**Hi Everyone! **

**This is my first try at writing fanfiction, and wolfstar has always been my favourite pairing, so here it is! Please read and review, I'd really really appreciate it **

**The poem is Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening by Robert Frost.**

**Lots of love!**

**Hope+Waffles**

_But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep._

Remus J Lupin crouched on the snowy cobbled street with his head cradled in his hands, absently curling his scarred fingers into his auburn locks and cursing the moment he ever met Sirius Black.

It was the coldest, darkest day of the year, December 21st, the winter solstice, and a full moon was coming in two days. Remus could feel the light of the waxing moon on his exposed skin, making his hands and the back of his neck tingle with apprehension and pain. Or maybe it was just the intense cold that left his body spasming for warmth that made him tingle. Or maybe it was-

_Too late_, he thought bitterly to himself. _Chance ruined. Moment gone._

It had been dark since five that afternoon in the town of Hogsmeade, around the same time that Remus had started drinking. He hiccoughed dismally and spat in the snow by his feet to rid his mouth of the taste of stale firewhiskey. He watched as his saliva froze as a tiny sheen of ice nestled in the gentle drifts of silver, both shining and sparkling in the moonlight. The thought of the moon made his skin crawl even more, and he shuddered and bent his head lower in a mix of defeat, guilt, and so much goddamn _shame_.

A slurred Christmas carol wafted on the brisk breeze from the bar behind him; the sound of laughter and the clinking of drinks spilled out of the windows and door, along with warm, soft candlelight and young lovers giggling and whispering, drunkenly apparating home.

_Fucking love_, Remus thought to himself. He tried to continue his resentful train of thought, but his clouded brain struggled to think of any other words. _Fucking love_ seemed to sum it up pretty well, anyways.

For a man who loved words so much, he was having an awful lot of trouble putting them to what had just happened.

The footprints receding from Remus's slender, pale body were being rapidly covered by fat, silent snowflakes, but he could still see the deep toe-imprints that showed how fast Sirius had been running. Remus smirked bitterly as he thought, _running away from me_. Sirius had never run, all these years, seeing the wolf and the man it had made Remus into. Sirius had promised, _promised_, that they'd stick together. Protect each other. From anything.

_Couldn't protect him from me, I guess,_ Remus thought. He laughed aloud, hollowly, muffled by the collar on his button-down shirt. It was the most casual thing Remus owned, a goddamn button-down shirt.

_Fucking love._

Remus trusted Sirius with everything. They shared something that Remus knew he didn't have with the other Marauders, or any of the women he had attempted to take out for nice dates. It wasn't that they had been the wrong girls, he knew. It was because it was him that was wrong and all twisted up. A wolf who hungered for something he knew was unreachable. A sick, scarred little shit curled up in the snow, alone so close to Christmas, losing a friend to the animal inside.

_What a fucking nightmare_, he thought dizzily, collapsing over into a snowdrift.

James had been busy with Lily, which Remus understood, and Peter was off doing god-knows-what with his Muggle relatives, so it had just been Sirius and Remus on their own that night. They often had nights like that, sometimes because the others were unavailable, sometimes because they enjoyed each other's company without having to share the experience with others. Of course, the reasons Remus kept hidden deep inside for wanting to see Sirius alone had only managed to truly surface when he was alone, lying in bed, tangled in his bedthings after waking up moaning from a dream with Sirius, his Sirius, his lovely star.

_No_, Remus gritted his teeth and curled his lip. _Not mine. Never mine. Just a fantasy._

Just dreams, he knew. But the uncomfortable tightness of his trousers after fifteen minutes in Sirius's company that night should have been a sign that his feelings, his disgusting, wrong feelings, were always just under his skin, creeping more and more into his conscious brain the closer it came for the time of the full moon. The wolf inside him howled for _mate, mate, mate_, and whenever he locked eyes with the aristocratic, raw, brilliant grey eyes of his best friend, the wolf bayed even louder. His amber eyes betrayed him sometimes, like they had on this night, flaring up and lighting into a disturbing animal-yellow, making Sirius raise his eyebrows, grin charmingly, and stage-whisper across the table – _Moony, your furry little problem is showing._

He could still feel Sirius's breath on his shoulder, tickling his tiny hairs on his neck, making the scar on his jaw burn and smart with warmth. He curled his fingers into the hair on the nape of his neck so tightly he felt hairs break off in his hands, and thought about how stupid he had been. Drunk, desperate, and stupid.

They'd spent the whole night together smiling mischievously, talking warmly, affectionately bumping each other, touching each other's arms, winking. Stuff neither of them did with James or Peter. Maybe that's why he'd been so stupid; he'd actually thought he was _special_ to Sirius, like his confession would work because he _mattered_. Remus snorted at the thought, inhaling bitterly cold snow up his nose.

If you had something special, something that mattered, would you run away that fast?

Sirius had had to support Remus out of the bar because he was so damn pissed. It was the very, very early morning and Remus had almost drunk the bar out of their cheapest firewhiskey in his hopeless pursuit to dull the swirl of emotions and pain he felt looking at his lovely friend. God, he really did love that man.

The way he protectively looked out for Remus after every full moon. The way he joked at Remus's bookishness and then brought him more novels to read when he was bedridden with moon-pains. The way they fed each other chocolate and laughed at the same jokes together and touched legs under the blankets when they were watching a movie. The way Sirius curled his fingers into Remus's hair when they were alone, or the way he was so reckless and dangerous and always wanting to move and go and run, always looking back to make sure Remus was keeping up, safe, healthy, happy, Sirius's face glowing like his namesake in the sky. The brightest star that anyone could see.

Remus groaned as he realized just what he had lost. His blunt little nails curled into the skin on his neck and jaw and pressed in, leaving red half-moon indents as he clutched at his skin. He wouldn't let himself cry, not _again_ over this, not _again_.

It was when he and Sirius had left the pub that it had all come rushing up in a sick few minutes. _Strange_, Remus thought, _how a few minutes could ruin something built on years of trust. Friendship. Love?_

No.

He'd gotten his answer to that question pretty quickly. Sirius had been trying to get a better grip on Remusfor Apparition back home, turning him around and grabbing hold of his waist, when he'd felt Remus's arousal brush against his thigh. Sirius's body had pulled back a little at that, but still kept ahold of his very, very hammered friend. _See something you like in there? _Sirius had murmured in Remus's ear, grinning maniacally after so many drinks.

_I, uh_… Remus had stated eloquently, his normal professorish habits and mannerisms failing him. The wolf had been let out, so close to the moon, with so much drink in his system. He could feel lust, and love, and want, crouched like a ball of silver in the dark hollow of his thin chest. It burned his insides and struggled so very, very hard to get out. _Pads, Padfoot, Sirius, star,_ he'd found himself mumbling, feeling with excruciating detail every inch of his skin pressed into Sirius's. His face, so close to his friend's that their misty breath was mingling, the warmth from his friend's cheek making his own glow rosy with a primal need to lean closer. The smell of him, heightened with his wolfish senses, of musk and the woods and cold sea air.

_I did see s-something I like. That I-_ He cut off and drew in a shaky breath that made him cough and hiccup.

_Come on, lad, let's sit down_, Sirius had said, suddenly a little anxiously, helping set Remus down slowly and protectively, wrapping his scarf around Remus's neck in such a tender way. _Are you feeling alright? Should we just sit still for a minute?_

_No_, Remus had pleaded, suddenly clutching at Sirius's coat, holding his friend close to him, breathing in deep the scent that made Remus twitch and moan on restless, lonely nights. _No, wait. Please l-let me tell you. _

_You can tell me anything,_ Sirius had promised.

_Lies, lies, lies_, Remus thought now, and he curled deeper into the snow, letting one little tear gather at the corner of his huge amber eye and pool into a sorrowful drop, snaking down his cheek and nose, carving a path of grief into his already-carved face.

_You can tell me anything. _The promise had warmed Remus's heart at the time, strengthened his conviction, made him blurt it out after years of longing, pining, feeling so close and being let down and pushed away.

_God, Padfoot,_ he had whispered. _God, Sirius, I love you._

Sirius didn't get it at first. His eyes still looked concerned, and confused, and warm with friendship and affection. _Well Moony,_ he had said a little awkwardly, even though Remus knew he meant every word, _you know I love you too. You're my best mate. I, uh, I guess I dunno what I'd do without you._

_Not like that_, he'd breathed, petrified out of his mind, shivering with cold and nerves and devotion. _I…Sirius…Pads…I l-love you different. I love you d-different like James loves L-L-Lily different. _

There had been a silence. A long, disturbing, very wrong silence.

Amber eyes held grey ones, pleading for sympathy, a hint of love back. All those amber eyes got were shock. Amazed, frozen shock.

Then he'd felt the hands pry off his forearms, felt his friend withdraw his physical support, Sirius's arms snaking out from around Remus's waist. The grey eyes ducked the gaze of the amber ones, fixing themselves on a point very, very distant from where the two men crouched in the snow. _No Pads, wait_- Remus had managed to choke out, before Sirius had stood up abruptly, looking down on Moony with that same utter shock on his face.

The wolf howled inside with grief. _Please don't leave, Padfoot,_ Remus had begged, lurching to his feet dangerously, taking a stumble forwards while Sirius took a deft step back. _At least let's just – let's just forget about the whole thing. I never said anything, we're still friends, aren't we Pads? Aren't we, Sirius? _His voice hitched and broke on his friend's name. His vision was getting blurry from tears and the falling snow and he could feel his lip quivering weakly from the pressure and strain of his best friend's silence. He felt a surge of self-loathing and forced his face to remain calm. But however good an actor Moony was, Padfoot wasn't buying it.

_I have to go, yeah?_ Sirius had said distantly. _You'll be safe getting home? I'll, er… I'll see you around, Remus._

_Please!_ Remus had cried out, letting a trembling tear skitter down his face, but Sirius had turned and wasn't looking, at his friend anymore Instead, he was running- _running!- _through the snowy, quiet streets, looking for a place to Apparate out of sight, away from the best friend who loved him so desperately, so very dearly.

"Lies, lies, lies," he whispered to himself, feeling his breath rise pathetically into his throat. "Lies, lies, lies."

He wasn't sure how long he'd been laying there, but from the height of the moon, he guessed it had been close to an hour. His fingers were completely numb, and the tears that had frozen to his jawbone felt sticky and itchy on his unshaven, marred skin. Some small sense of self-preservation kicked in, making Remus groan in emotional and physical agony and pull himself up to a sitting position. He shook the snow gingerly out of his tawny hair, feeling a pounding headache digging itself into his brain as he tried to collect his thoughts and concentrate hard enough for the apparition home. His lonely apartment in South London, cold and empty and abandoned. _Sounds just like me_, he thought dully, numbly. _Just like me._

He was so concentrated on standing up and keeping his balance that he didn't even smell the person approaching him from behind. It flooded his nostrils all of a sudden when the man got close – musk and trees and cold ocean smell.

"Oh, Remus. Oh, Moony."

In his dizzy, disoriented mind, Remus thought he felt arms holding tight to his waist, thought he felt a body pushed right up into his from the back, feeding him warmth. He thought he felt a hand grasping both of his, the large, rough hand engulfing his slender digits in a cocoon of heat. He thought he felt it, but he couldn't have. Sirius was gone, taking his friendship with him. Remus didn't deserve his warmth, or attention, or love.

"Leeme 'lone," he mumbled, trying half-heartedly to push not-Sirius off of him so he could Apparate home. But the arms around him wouldn't budge, and held on tight, comforting and affectionate, to Remus's little pale body. "Oh Moony, please forgive me," the voice was murmuring, turning Remus slowly around to face him.

Sirius looked even worse than Remus felt, somehow. His eyes were shining with tears, cheeks glistening from his cry. His body was weak from being wracked with sobs and so very cold, And his lips were chapped and almost bleeding from the wind and the grief. "Remus, Remus, I am so sorry, please, my friend, my love, please forgive me…"

_My love?_ Remus thought dully, lifting his head as if from a very long sleep. "S-Sirius?"

"It's me," Sirius gave him a watery, but still somehow beautiful, smile, winking out of habit. "It's me, I'm so sorry, I was just so surprised, you scared me, I was so scared, after all these years…"

It wasn't till that moment that Remus realized how very, very close the two of them were to each other. Remus's hands were clutched into tiny fists on Sirius's chest, and he could feel his friend's heart hammering like a drum, much like Remus's was. The arms around his waist were wrapped tightly, fingers caressing his back, rubbing warmth slowly and lovingly into his tiny form. Remus's head was upturned and Sirius's was bent, their faces only a couple inches apart. Remus could smell his best friend's breath, alcohol singed with ocean air. He could see the remnants of tears and snow clinging to his eyelashes, see the strands of jet black hair curling around his friends pale ears, and those grey eyes, big and beautiful and wild and loving and perfect in every single way.

"Sirius," Remus whispered again, his voice low and rumbly in his chest. "Sirius…"

Remus tilted his head up a little and parted his lips, staring straight into his friend's eyes, looking into his soul. "All these years?" he almost-growled, slowly opening one of his hands from a fist and resting it over his love's heart. "What do you mean?"

"I-I've l-loved you too, Moony," Sirius mumbled, the words spilling out along with a fresh tear, his arms squeezing tighter around his friend's waist, bringing his hands lower to the base of Remus's back. "For so long and I never thought, never…"

"I always have," Remus almost sighed, felt something in his chest leap, his heart rate accelerating to an almost manic pace, his breath hitching in his throat, dizzy and unsteady and drunk on the scent of Sirius. "I've loved you since the beginning."

Suddenly, Remus felt an unsteady but certain hand lifting his chin up towards the sky. He caught a glimpse of the almost-full moon and instinctually glanced around for Sirius, the dog-star burning bright in the sky. "My star," he breathed, letting his gaze drag back to the beautiful face in front of him before closing his eyes and letting their lips touch.

It was a brush, at first, chaste and trembling and fragile. A shot in the dark for two boys in love, holding each other, clutching each other as tight as they could, tense with longing. And then Remus felt something inside him click, something deep and primal within him, and he pressed his face to Sirius's much more firmly, letting his lips part, feeling Sirius do the same, letting his tongue gently flick into his love's wanting mouth. Sirius moaned in the back of his throat, the vibration making Moony whimper, as they both drew each other closer, moving their hands up each other's spine, Remus wrapping his fingers in Sirius's long, dark hair, feeling Sirius caressing his sides, tracing his ribs, dragging his hands down his chest.

He loved, and he was loved back. Sirius had kept his promise. _You can tell me anything._ Sirius had come back for him. _I love you too. For so long…_

They broke apart only when they needed breath, both of them panting for air, feverishly hot in all their clothes, slipping their hands on each other's bodies, Sirius's hand wandering gently up Moony's shirt while they nuzzled their foreheads together. Remus felt Sirius's arousal pressed into his leg, warm and needing against his skin. Remus knew Sirius could feel his, as well, both of them gently rubbing into each other as they kissed and moaned and whispered truths and confessions and wants into each other's ears.

"_Always thought of you as more…"_

"_So scared you'd leave me…"_

"_Since I first saw you pull a prank and your face went all light-up and I wanted you to look at me and have your face do that…:_

"_Since…God…since you came back from the hospital wing the night the moon was bad and I just wanted to hug you and let you know it was okay and…and…kiss away your pain…"_

Remus sighed and let one of his hands trail down to Sirius's, intertwining their fingers. He opened his eyes and looked up into his love's beautiful storm-grey ones, whispering, "And many miles to go before I sleep."

"Hmm?" Sirius hummed, squeezing Remus's hand in his.

"It's the ending of a poem. It means there's so much more of the journey to be done."

"Jesus Moony, you need to get out more. Muggle poetry?"

Remus chuckled and blushed a little. "You would put it past me?"

Sirius grinned and shook his head. Remus sighed again and closed his eyes, leaning into the bigger man's chest. "Take me back home, Pads," he mumbled, suddenly frightfully tired.

Sirius gathered the younger, smaller man in his arms, holding him tight in a bear hug, then turned on the spot.

They left two sets of footprints behind them, fading fast in the falling snow.


End file.
